Weekly Drop No. 7
on my weird brain and meditating
I consider any form of internal reflection or turning inward to fall in the category of meditation which I have been practicing it in a variety of ways now for 10 years. I have been formally studying the Tantric practice of Hridaya Meditation for four years loosely and the last two years more intensely.
At my last silent retreat, I journaled about the bizarre experience that happens in my neurodivergent, aphantasiac brain while meditating. I think this is my inner stand up comic that shows up…it just makes me laugh. I have often been given the feedback that I take life too seriously and that I need to lighten up. Note taken and here is proof that what goes on inside me is often far from serious. I hope you can share in the silliness and laughter with me this week as we all need to find more joy right now. (I have linked the terms I use to provide a way to explore the world of Tantra and Hridaya a little more deeply, if you choose.) Also, if I could have found a picture of an Oompa Loompa meditating I would have used it!
Have Mercy On Me
I don’t think it is any secret what goes on inside the human mind during meditation. But my mind does seem particularly weird to me. When I first close my eyes, my mind quiets like an adolescent pretending to be asleep until the parents are in bed just so they can sneak out to party. Just about the time I drop into the silence, the space between my inhale and exhale, off she goes to the party.
I wonder if its possible to breathe so light you stop breathing? Does it reduce the oxygen in your blood? Maybe the meditative state is just oxygen deprivation?
Focus Michelle….inner smile…Who am I? Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me!
My teacher says the neighbors here think we are a cult. I wonder if they really know the definition of cult? I mean, I know what a cult is and this is definitely not a cult. I mean sure we walk around the grounds weirdly slow, staring out our feet like robots but..
O my God….shhhh…inner smile…Who am I? Divine Goddess, have mercy on me!
What’s that clicking sound? It sounds like air pressure in my coffee cup. Oh wait, there is another clicking sound outside. Is that a grasshopper flying? Do they click or is that crickets?
O for heavens sake….inner smile…focus on the gaps between breaths! Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me!
My teacher says to visualize my chatty-cathy mind in a costume. Maybe an Oompa Loompa running around doing a jig. That’s weird…but funny!
Inner laughter….inner smile…Who am I? Great compassionate light, have mercy on me!
Shoot, my feet are already falling asleep. I know no one has ever had permanent damage but how do we really know that someone hasn’t lost a toe from no circulation for hours on end. I mean didn’t Ramana have permanent scars from the maggots that decided he was a tasty statue and took up residence under his skin? Ew..that is gross…
Wait, we are supposed to be doing Unmani Mudra. Focus on the awareness…slowly open my eyes…no thoughts…just awareness…inner smile…close my eyes again.
Well that’s super weird. Why does my brain go off as soon as I close my eyes? Seems like it would be the other way around you know? Maybe my brain is wired backwards. Is that what causes aphantasia? My brain is so weird.
Focus on the breath, Michelle. The gaps between the breath. Yes. The gaps between the thoughts.
Ooo…what if there was a tight rope across the gaps? Wait is that the Oompa Loompa riding a unicycle across the gap?
Lord Jesus Christ, do you see what I am working with here? Have mercy on me!
For a little further insight, I am new to realizing I have aphantasia which has helped me understand why I rely heavily on metaphor and imagery outside myself. I always have to draw on art, movies, or other visual input I have already experienced in order to explain or understand current in-the-moment experiences. My body stores all kinds of sensory and emotional information about that experience — i.e. watching Charlie and the Chocolate gave me a full metaphorical, somatic and emotional experience of Oompa Loompa’s — that I can then draw on in perpetuity.