Samhain blessings to you and all your relations! Today is one of my favorite days of the year and I thought reflecting on life and death seemed appropriate (as if that is not what I am always reflecting on!). I feel so grateful to my ancestors and loved ones who have passed through the veil and continue to teach me how to live from the other side. So in honor of them, I wanted to share a bit about my journey through death and how I beginning to learn to live again in a new way.
There are few people who I resonate more deeply with and feel more inspired by than Andrea Gibson. Their writing kindles my own creative passion and often prompts deep contemplation. Their recent post, “A new kind of bucket list”, truly touched my heart and dovetails well with a course I am taking on “Writing About Death” where I have been invited to contemplate what I would do with one day, one year, or ten years left to live.
The secret of life is to ‘die before you die’ — and find that there is no death.
~ Eckhart Tolle
Well, I know what I have done with the last 7 years of my life. I have been spent them in the underworld, moving in and through the realms of death. From naively stepping into the role of death doula to facing my own shamanic death, I have been busy dying — my old self slowly being dismembered and my soul drifting in the liminal. I have been reaching for the land of the living for so very long only to watch my grasping fingers waft through life like a hand through smoke. But now, something has begun to shift. I am beginning to gain purchase on feeling solid again. I am beginning to see the terra firma of life beneath my feet and as the nothingness begins to take form, I can see the glint of tiny seeds, seeds of what truly matters most to me, seeds of my essence, seeds of who I am.
Every seven years is seen as a cycle of life and consciousness in many traditions. Whether it is a short cycle of seven years or a full cycle of an entire lifetime, as one cycle ends, falling into the beginning of the next, we take with us the “unfinished business” or karmic seeds from the previous cycle. I just completed my 8th cycle of 7 years on this earth and it has by far been the most karmic and cosmic cauldron of all. I have been intently focused on taking care of business, burning karmic seeds, examining what is there that I want to harvest and carry into the next cycle, and releasing any ghosts, both mine and other, that are still clinging to me.
Andrea’s post prompted me to put down in writing these little seeds of my soul that are beginning to glimmer in the darkness in hopes that they will sprout into a new way of being.
Writing this list has felt a bit like scattering wild flower seeds on the fallow soil of my heart and soul. Here is my list of the little wildflowers I want to grow before I pass on from this world into the next:
be so brazenly and authentically myself that others are either magnetized or polarized
bury my face in my dogs fur and remember the sweet scent of his unconditional love
brush my mother’s hair while listening to her talk about anything really
let the memory of my father’s hand on the back of my head and my cheek on his chest sink into my bones
hug my children until the imprint of their soft bodies is sealed in my cells
tuck flowers behind my ears and dance on a carpet of green grass
sit in the warm sun by the ocean and read books that leave me in awe of the human experience and in love with life
read poetry that makes my heart sing, the tears flow and the world feel more real
sit quietly with my 8 year old self and learn what she has to teach me
stitch, collage, write, cook and plant my way back to myself
write poems that are small, silly and mundane
write poems that are big, bold and bodacious
enjoy fresh baked muffins and hot coffee in the crisp fall air
feel the warmth of a lovers hand on mine again
tell myself each and every day in the liminal of sleep and awake, “I love you and everything is going to be okay”
rock my soft, scarred, illness-ravaged body to sleep and tell her she is strong
keep my heart open just in case a new love happens to come knocking
show up to the table broken heart and all, again and again
learn what it means to let my animal body love what it loves
allow myself to turn my soft white underbelly toward love and connection
listen more often to the sound of the ocean waves and the beating of my heart
know that both death and life have chosen me and to allow myself to be chosen
let my the silver gray of my hair grow long enough to be braided by loving hands
reclaim the will that was taken from me so I can know myself and the meaning of free will
loose all the knots of my heart and let them unravel into the unknown each and every day
learn to be comfortable in not knowing and not doing
hold the hand of Mother Earth as she rebirths herself
allow my hand to be held as I grieve and remake myself yet again right alongside her
consecrate the mundane and the sacred equally
share my heart and my wisdom with others through my writing
As rivers lose name and form when they disappear into the sea, the sage leaves behind all traces when they disappear into the light. Perceiving the truth, they become the truth; passing beyond all suffering, beyond death, all the knots of the heart are loosed.
~ Upanishads
The truth is that this list could go on and on but this exercise has clarified what matters most to me and how I want to walk the rest of my days on Mother Earth — connecting with nature, my loved ones, and myself, letting myself love what I love, and deepening my relationship with the Divine.
What would be on your list, my loves? What are you harvesting from the past that you want to nurture into a new way of being?